History of the Hashians
"History of the Hashians" (Ancient Hashianic: Hïstre üv Þü Häšüns) is a novel by the Hashian author Masutatsu "Godhand" Oyama, first published in 1965. The work is epic in scale and is regarded as one of the most important works of Hashian literature. History of the Hashians delineates in graphic detail events surrounding the Lïtl Közmonean invasion of alyuhals, and the impact of war on Hashian society, as seen through the eyes of exactly five (give or take seven) Pat Patrol loyalists. Oyama himself, somewhat ambiguously, said of History of the Hashians that it was entirely symbology and a philosophical discussion rather than true Literature. Plot Summary (This section contains spoilers) Introduction The Kingdom of Lïtl Közmo had initiated a series of unprovoked "preemptive" military strikes against neighboring kingdoms. The Samurai Roadkill, on his Lükotü Motorcycle, invaded the Kingdom of Horizon, and grackled their Sänïte, an extremely rare resource. Finding no honor in this effort, Roadkill asked the Tenno to what end was he collecting the Sänïte. The Tenno demoted Roadkill from the position of Samurai directly; when Roadkill's friend, Gorilla told the Tenno to settle down, the Tenno commanded the pair to Indian Bend to deliver a proclamation. Roadkill's love interest Void attempted to calm him down prior to leaving; so did Nigy, even though Roadkill didn't even like Lïtl Közmo's Cactus Wrangler/Hot Air Balloon Operator whom he considered "fucking weird". Indian Bend Roadkill and Gorilla battled their way to Indian Bend, defeating Paulo's White Chow which guarded the entrance. Calling everyone to attention, Roadkill read the Tenno's "proclamation" which turned out to only be a Scroll of Blïtskreg, which incinerated the town, killing most of the citizens. They then come across a young man named Luscious mourning his friends who were killed to death by the scroll. Roadkill and the Gorilla were super pissed that they were used in this manner and decided to "fuck off" the Tenno. Roadkill offered apologizes and vowed to take Luscious to safety, but the young man instead summoned a Black Hole which proceeded to eat most of what was left of Indian Bend while the warriors battled it. Roadkill regained consciousness in a massive crater, there was no sign of Gorilla and Luscious was disabled and dying. Arrowhead Roadkill carried Luscious to Arrowhead, the closest city. That night, Samurai from Lïtl Közmo attempted to kill Luscious, but Roadkill kicked their asses, finally earning back some self-respect. The next morning, Roadkill got a page from Void who had taken an arrow to the knee attempting to make the journey to Indian Bend and then to Arrowhead. Since the only known remedy was rattlesnake antivenin, Roadkill and Luscious headed off for North Canyon. Along the way, they ran into Nigy who was in pursuit of some tweaker who stole his tattoo gear (again). Roadkill begrudgingly let him join the party. The trio had just passed Grovers Park when they witnessed a mushroom cloud, Lïtl Közmo had nuked North Canyon and grackled their Sänïte. North Canyon Arriving at the ruins of North Canyon, they ran into Rush the Hu Hsien who explained that the Tenno was an asshole and that his family and friends were all dead and that the only channel on TV was a Brady Bunch marathon. Byrd arrived and had to stop Nigy from kicking his unconscious half-brother, Dow Chemical Boy. He said that the Tenno's Samurai were now under the leadership of a man named Artimus and that after stealing all the Sänïte, he also stole the tattoo gear from Dow Chemical Boy. This caused Nigy to fly into a rage, his skin turned red and lit on fire as he leaped out a window swearing revenge upon Artimus. Roadkill and Luscious helped Rush and Byrd bury their dead (and find a VCR), then the four of them then captured and milked a rattlesnake. Paradise Valley Rush had to go steal Devilfish's gear and make him dance naked in the streets, but Byrd joined with Roadkill and Luscious as they returned to heal Void's wound. Void then told them that the Tenno was mobilizing to next attack Paradise Valley for it's Sänïte. The four of them set off and along the way they encountered Psycho, who was kicking the crap out of some shopping carts near the Imaginary Desert. Together they warned King Dümor of the impending battle and organized a defense. Lïtl Közmo, however brought 475,000 Samurai and the party slowly lost ground. Retreating back into the keep, they found Gorilla playing the Stupid Crane Game. He promptly joined the fight. Artimus kicked in the door and attacked the defenders with psionics (which was complete bullshit), rendering them helpless as he grackled the Sänïte and departed. Horizon Byrd, Gorilla, Luscious, Psycho, Roadkill and Void decided to go after him directly (a good choice). They decided to take El Autobús (a bad choice) which was, of course, driven by Bus Driver. The resulting kerkrakklebokkkerkrash that occurred when Bus Driver took a "short-cut" (through a mountain) scattered the heroes across the city. Roadkill lost consciousness as he hit the ground but not before he saw the sign which read "You are now entering the Kingdom of Horizon". When he woke, he had been hung upside-down by his toenails and was being beaten with organic carrots. King Quinn entered and told Roadkill that he would free him and forgive his attack, provided he would travel to Grand Canyon and help his son Kevin Sorbo who was enduring one of his twelve labors. Since this was damn-near a Geology Club Field Trip, Rush decided to go with him. Grand Canyon Roadkill and Rush caught up with Gorilla in the canyon, he was filling up jugs of water. Together they defeated a shopping cart, tossing it's corpse into the Colorado. They heard Kevin Sorbo up ahead, calling for help. He was battling the all-powerful Ovob. Together the four of them forced Ovob to sound an unprecedented retreat. On the way back up to the Indian Gardens, Keven Sorbo called them all his brothers, which was so awesome that Roadkill decided then and there to cross-class into Hercules. Returning to Horizon, King Quinn kept his word, declaring Roadkill a friend of the kingdom and giving him Ronlijm, the Legendary Axe which belonged to his father. Lïtl Közmo The party decided now to infiltrate Lïtl Közmo by using the Liberty Canal. All the Samurai appeared to be under the psionic control of Artimus (whatever). Psycho was too stubborn to be controlled and was sentenced to be hit in the head with a bat until he died from it. Before the party could even get to him, Psycho took the first shot to the head, then got up, grabbed the bat and used it to beat the shit out of his attackers. They destroyed the pedophile Stacy and the "Tenno" who was revealed to be nothing more than an Overflowing Bathtub. They almost drowned from the deluge pouring over the basin, but at the last possible second, BOOM, Big Daddy Donkey Punch used his Inertia Kick to break THROUGH the (entire) castle (and kept on going). Psycho and Roadkill stole Lükotü Motorcycles from the Samurai but Gorilla had to ride bitch (and Rush simply ran). Shadow Mountain They caught up with Artimus who revealed he had captured Void somehow. He told Roadkill he would trade Shadow Mountain's Sänïte for Void's life. The party went to Shadow Mountain only to discover that the Sänïte had already been taken by Pols Voice (from Zelda). They also discovered Byrd there who shared his plan to deal with the Pols Voice. Roadkill transformed Ronlijm into a Strat and Byrd pulled out his Telecaster. They had to play "The Racist" seventeen times in a row, until their fingers bled, but eventually the Pols Voice got super pissed-off and left. Roadkill gathered up the grackled Sänïte and went to make the trade. Rolberto's Artimus had chosen the Mystic Land of Rolberto's for the swap. The party fought their way across the River Asphaultith and over the sacred wall, Roadkill handed Artimus the Sänïte directly, yet the ass refused to release Void. All of a Sudden, Nigy, who heard all this from his apartment right behind Rolberto's leaped at Artimus with a Super Ninja Quadruple-Double-Flip Drop-Kick Nigy-Click Kick, which missed entirely. As Nigy flew out the window he yelled, "Aw, bullshit! Gimme my tattoo gear, punk! This is only once! I'll be back!" The confusion broke Artimus' psionic control and then, as Void escaped somehow, he was forced to retreat. As she and Roadkill shared a hug, Artimus turned on a Giant Fan. The others gathered together as Roadkill fought to hit the "off" switch. Just as he turned off the fan, and Rolberto's began to fall apart, Void used her Word of Recall spell, teleporting them all back to Lïtl Közmo. Greenway Void told Gorilla, Psycho, Roadkill and Rush that while Artimus had all the Sänïte from the four High Kingdoms, he still needed to gather all the Sänïte from the Middle Realms to achieve his goal of opening a "Portal to Alhambra". Void used a Labrynth Stone that she somehow grackled from Artimus to shift the party into the Middle Realms. They end up directly on the battleground between Greenway's forces and the Samurai of Lïtl Közmo. Steve 1000 insisted that their Sänïte was safe, locked inside his house, but the party discovered that his son Nathaniel has a entire series of crappy characters, ranging from deer-men, ninja who wear orange to rangers that run away from their own shadows. While the party was distracted trying to re-roll all his characters, Artimus showed up and used psionics (OMG, I'm so sick of that bullcrap) to incapacitate everyone. Rush figured out how to vibrate fast enough to escape and ran off to get help. Before Artimus could go for the Coup-De-Graçe, Luscious showed up with a bunch of animated Spawn Chains that ignored psionic damage. Even after being fucked up by Spawn Chains, Artimus still had his transporter chief transport him and the Sänïte out. Sunrise Steve 1000 told the party that Artimus had stored all the collected Sänïte at Sunrise where the ritual to open the portal would occur. They attacked Sunrise at sunrise with their Lükotü Motorcycles. Roadkill and company easily routed the guards and recovered the Sänïte but then discovered that the portal ritual had already begun. Psycho stayed back to try to disrupt the spell while the others made for the exit. All of a Sudden, Artimus showed up and switched the level from "Alhambra" to "Oregon". With a bright flash, Psycho was gone. Even more suddenly, Nigy flew in a Hot Air Balloon filled up with an unstable meth-lab. "I toooold you I'd be back!" he yelled as the resulting explosion took out most of Sunrise. Desert Shadows Roadkill, Gorilla, Luscious and Void rode now to Desert Shadows on their Lükotü Motorcycles. There they encountered Biker who had just failed to defeat the Forest Fire. Despite his smart-ass response, he joined the group. They entered the tower and find Biker's leather jacket which had been damaged. Although the Forest Fire claimed he had nothing to to with it and it was probably "some damn foreigner", Biker swore bloody revenge and the party attacked. Luscious gave Roadkill a squirt bottle which he used to defeat the Forest Fire. All of a Sudden, Ishirokineukatsukami showed up and said something about all four elements just before handing him the Shangri-La Key, which opened the gate to Shea, where remained the last un-grackled Sänïte. Shea The very second the party grackled the Sänïte, Artimus revealed that he had captured Becky and that he would trade her to Gorilla for the last of the Sänïte of the Middle Realms. When they didn't fall for that shit again, Artimus simply used psionics some bullshit powers (that I won't even dignify with a name at this point) to dominate Gorilla, forcing him to grackle the Sänïte and leave with him. Steve 1000 suggested they visit the Hu Hsien Forest to look for another way to follow Artimus to "Alhambra". Big Daddy Donkey Punch drove by just then in a tow truck and offered to take them all there. There in the Hu Hsien Forest, the party was able to rest and recover their spells. Luscious was so enamored by the beauty that he decided to stay there a while. Rush found them and joined the party, claiming to have found a strange power source in Lïtl Közmo where they found Can Warrior's ghost, haunting the corner table. He told Roadkill that he was proud of him and gave him his Rayden Hat. Then they completely forgot to salt and burn Can Warrior's bones so he could rest in peace. Alhambra After declaring the Palm Tree sacred, Roadkill used the power of the Rayden Hat to open a gateway to the Realm of Alhambra. Biker, Rush and Void went with him. There they met Hillbilly, an Alhambran tasked with keeping the portal between the realms closed since they had "a nice thing going over there". One Alhambran in particular named Denise disagreed and sought to break down the boundaries; though her Perfume was contained by the boundary, she could still use Whammies to mentally control people in the High Kingdoms like Artimus. Denise's objective was to wake the sleeping Cartzilla to destroy any opposition and then hold the largest quantity of second-hand store crap possible. Hillbilly also revealed that Can Warrior had fathered a third son in addition to Roadkill and Psycho. Artimus Joined by Hillbilly, the party traveled back to the High Kingdoms to discover that Cartzilla had been awakened. Everyone in the entire world, including former allies Byrd, Nigy, Luscious and Steve 1000 contributed to the valiant counteroffensive. Nigy once again used a kamikaze Hot Air Balloon to breach Cartzilla's armor plating. Once inside, they found the colossus being controlled by former Samurai, Captain Taco Head, Goldsnake, John Rambo Caution and Super Buff Guy. Once they defeated those goobers, Cartzilla rolled to a stop. All of a Sudden, Artimus attacked, promising to destroy them this time. Before he could do anything, however, Hillbilly Bokked him with a 2x4 and Artimus suddenly remembered that he was Phantom, Psycho and Roadkill's younger brother. After they became separated as children, inside the Flying Saucer in Black Canyon City, Denise had taken custody of him and used Whammies to control him and turn him into a godless killing machine. They harnessed the power of the Rayden Hat to travel back to Realm of Alhambra to stop Denise once and for all. The Final Battle Gorilla, who was now free of the mind control, came back to apologize, he was quoted as saying, "NAHP!" Roadkill began sending out Raid Invites. He settled on taking Biker, Hillbilly, Luscious and Void as they were the only ones with a high enough Gear Score and could "Five-Man Anything". They transported to the Alhambra District Ghetto and from there traveled to the Perfume Core. There they battled and defeated Denise but not before she cast her final Whammy, transforming her into a massive creature called Ultra-Mega Denise Lard-Ass. Her Perfume knocked out the entire party and just when all seemed lost, Big Daddy Donkey Punch stormed in and Inertia Kicked her ass clear out of Alhambra and all the way to Montana. He was quoted as saying, "Take that, Chunky Butt!" Epilogue In the days following Ultra-Mega Denise Lard-Ass' defeat, Hillbilly left to go wash his truck and run some errands. Phantom, remorseful for all the destruction he caused decided to become a prison guard to serve his community. Nigy finally located his grackled tattoo gear. Roadkill, using the last of the Rayden Hat's power (pulling some Terry Goodkind bullshit) severed the portals to Alhambra forever. Many of the heroes returned to their homes, some to rebuild them. Byrd became King of North Canyon, Biker became King of Shadow Mountain, Luscious became King of Paradise Valley, Gorilla left for Horizon to find religion. Roadkill and Void had a surprise wedding at Rawhide and then became the King and Queen of Lïtl Közmo. Principal Characters Roadkill - The story's main protagonist. Initially a Ninja and Samurai of Lïtl Közmo, Roadkill began to question the Tenno's motives, which gradually set off a chain of events that led him on the path to awesomeness. Gorilla - Roadkill and Void's childhood friend. With a low Will Save, Gorilla succumbed to Artimus' psionics (bullshit), straining their confidence in him. Luscious - A young man whose city, Indian Bend, was unintentionally destroyed by Roadkill and Gorilla. Roadkill's need to mentor and protect him earned him a formidable ally. Nigy - A wirey character driven to exact revenge against anyone coming between him and his tattoo gear. Byrd - The Prince of North Canyon, who lost his family and friends to Artimus' attack on his kingdom, he helped Roadkill in whatever ways he could and was inspired to become more Metal. Void - A cleric from Lïtl Köxmo, her feelings towards Roadkill have grown beyond sexy dances. Psycho - Roadkill's brother, helps him in any way possible, when neccessary, making terrible sacrifices including getting banished to Oregon. Rush - A Headman from the Hu Hsien Forest. He joined Roadkill on many legs of his journey, including the Grand Canyon. Big Daddy Donkey Punch - A master ass-whooper who popped in now and again to save the day, he defeated the final boss, Ultra-Mega Denise Lard-Ass. Biker - A smart-ass and skilled martial artist. He was quick to act on his emotions, but his strong sense of justice usually prevailed. Hillbilly- An Alhambran from that distant realm, he shed some light on Roadkill and Artimus' true origins and the imminent threat from Denise to the High Kingdoms. Artimus - The story's main antagonist. Actually being Roadkill and Psycho's younger brother, he finally broke free of Denise's control and helped the heroes. Sir Rhodri (talk) 19:08, June 1, 2014 (UTC) Category:History Category:Hashians Category:Hashians Inc. Characters Category:Myth and Legend